On Wednesday night, Sarah, John, Chris and I playtested Jason Morningstar’s beta game Fiasco, which he describes as being about “big ambition and poor impulse control.” It’s a state-of-the-art, GM-less game where the players build situations where crisis is just around the corner: think Fargo, Burn After Reading, Blood Simple, Double Indemnity. Then they wind up this tragedy engine and let it go, playing characters in an improv drama whose situation they’ve just specified. There’s usually going a simple plan, and then some complications, some backstabbing and betrayal, probably some murder. Characters often will ruefully remember that at one time, whatever they did seemed like a good idea, often as a guy with a sniffle and an extravagant collection of facial tattoos force-feeds them Ex-Lax after chaining their ankles to either side of a well-used concrete trough. Happy endings are rare.

Our game never quite got that dire — just a little pâté of murder in a tart betrayal aspic. I started up a discussion at Story Games, where there’s a summary. But I also wrote a detailed, scene-by-scene report and figured that this would be a better place for that. So, check after the jump for a story of armed foolishness on the Gulf Coast, a story of unknown paternity, unexpected tenderness, greed, revenge, and running over a guy in a wheelchair who had already been gut-shot and had his fingers broken. Fun times!

Our characters were (played by me, John, Chris, and Sarah): Drug dealer, fence, and all-around local criminal mastermind Spencer “Spider” Parrish. Manipulative, unlucky Sheriff Beauregard “Bo” Tannen, the man with the plan. Scatterbrained, greedy Deputy Jimmie Thornton IV (”the four-oh”). Cheerleader with a heart of gold (or something about as dense) Heidi Jo Summers.

Our setting: Hillview, LA, just north of New Orleans. Population 4000, elev. 2. Those were two very important feet – Hillview had water in the streets after Katrina, but not the kitchens.

We opened up with Spider and Sheriff Bo coming to terms over fencing the ill-gotten gains of Bo and Jimmie’s looting in New Orleans. I decided Spider wanted to split up the Sheriff and the Deupty – not sure why yet – and had him try to agree to a 45-50-5 split, with 45% to Spider, 50% to Bo and Jimmie, and that 5% as a soupçle;on to Bo. Bo browbeat Spider into a smaller share but took the extra share. I announced that Spider would be cheating.

Then, Heidi Jo came to Spider looking to get him to take a paternity test, the kind you can buy in a drug store. She told him that she had Deputy Jimmie waiting outside the hotel, so he had better cooperate. She succeeded and he took the test without raising a fuss, as we worked toward having Spider have actual tender feelings develop for Heidi Jo and her baby daughter.

Deputy Jimmie and Sheriff Bo headed down to New Orleans to enact the Sheriff’s plan. But one of the houses they thought would be empty… wasn’t. An old lady with a shotgun, Ms Parkins, not only greeted them but knew who they were! While Jimmie thought up a plan to try to extract them without trouble, Bo decided it would be safer not to leave a witness and shot poor old Ms Parkins. They looted her house, taking her gun with them. Sarah prepared an unnamed NPC to be upstairs as the scene began to drag, but the principals got the cue and finished up. That said, we didn’t forget that NPC later.

Then, in the next scene, we flashed back to Sheriff Bo proposing his plan to Deputy Jimmie at Martha’s Watering Hole (I grabbed the NPC and it became funny that Martha was a man who kept his prison nickname on the outside), just across the street from the Rose Village and equally convenient to the Interstate. Deputy Jimmie was complaining that he was due a raise after four years – this would become a running joke. Bo convinced him that with money being as tight as it was, a life of victimless crime seemed like their best way out, seeing as how any legitimate income Jimmie made would be subject to his crushing alimony situation (he was living in a U-Store-It locker at this point). Why not use their official cars to dispel suspcion while they drive on down to hurricane-ravaged New Orleans and do a little looting? No violence, no victims, no way it could go wrong.

Spider and Heidi Jo met again to talk over the results of the paternity test a few days later. Spider wasn’t the father. At first, he was angry at Heidi Jo, but then he got seriously mad when she told him the story of how Deupty Jimmie had taken advantage of her in a drunken stupor at around the appropriate time. He decided to confront Jimmie and make him do right.

Heidi Jo got Jimmie to come to the Rose Village for a talk, but the Sheriff was trying, at the same time, to get him down to New Orleans for a job on some newly-identified empty, rich houses. The end result was that Spider and Heidi Jo wound up in his green-and-white on a trip down the Interstate. Taking Heidi Jo’s lead, Spider threatened Jimmie, made him take a paternity test too (out of her bag), and then when Jimmie mentioned having been swabbed earlier for an STD, wound up making him stop the car and put a beating on him, since he had gotten it too, presumably through Heidi Jo. As for Heidi Jo, she had what she wanted, but had to stop the only person protecting her and her baby from killing that baby’s likely father. Her moderating influence, starting here, would have a pretty strong effect on the game’s outcome.

Once they got to New Orleans, Spider and Jimmie went into the empty house. A Mexican standoff ensued, broken when Heidi Jo called on the phone to find out what was going on, breaking the tension just enough that guns could go down. Spider, to make peace, decided to let Jimmie know that Bo was screwing him out of money from the sales of their loot, and backed it up with his meticulous account Filofax, always in his pocket. “The left column, that’s Bo. Right column, that’s you. Right column’s smaller.” Jimmie decided he needed another raise.

That night, Jimmie called Bo to Martha’s for a talk. He had Martha close the bar and leave the two officers of the law a little privacy. Jimmie wrote two numbers on a napkin, and asked Bo which one was smaller… They had an argument; Jimmie pulled his gun on Bo, who didn’t think his deupty had the guts to shoot. We closed Act 1 with Jimmie plugging Bo right in the gut.

At the tilt we got “Failure/A tiny mistake leads to ruin” and “Mayhem/Cold-blooded score settling”. Ideas began to flow.

Scene 9 established, via flashback, that Spider had been acting to settle scores with the peace officers all along. A few years previous, they had come to serve him with an arrest warrant for possession with intent (fair enough, of course). He had a rival in prison named Roscoe, whom he had informed on in a desparate attempt to keep out of jail himself, and offered Bo and Jimmie his cash, drugs, and gun as a bribe to let him escape. They took everything from Spider, laughed at him, and effectively sent him off to jail where he served four years.

In another flashback, this one to a year or so previous, Heidi Jo was put into a compromising position when Sheriff Bo pulled her over while she was transporting Spider’s drugs. To avoid trouble, she came onto him and wound up in the backseat. Nine or so months before her baby was born. It was a busy time for her. Flashing forward, she realizes that she may have to keep that bastard alive, at least a little longer. (Scene note by Sarah: “3 fathers o jesus!”)

Next, back to Martha’s, where Sheriff Bo’s immense gut has kept him alive long enough for a confrontation. Jimmie extracts an 80% share from Bo – his raise, finally – and they agree to keep their secret. Jimmie calls a “special” and an ambulance arrives. No questions are asked, yet. Bo will survive, but he’s going to need a colostomy and a wheelchair, maybe forever. He figures out that Spider sold him out to his own deputy.

A while later, Bo decides to call in Spider for a confrontation in the empty sheriff’s office. He’s in a wheelchair, a blanket over his legs, pistol in hand. Spider has the baby, and therefore no gun (this is Heidi Jo’s rule). He show up with the bottle of poorly mixed formula propped against the car seat in the infant’s mouth, but has the sense to put the carseat behind the sheriff’s heavy steel desk. Bo goes to punish Spider for his perfidy, but Spider gets the drop, disarms Bo, and then breaks seven of the bad sheriff’s fingers getting the key to the storage locker full of loot, plus his cash. But there isn’t enough there, and Spider decides he’ll make Bo go to an ATM and withdraw as much cash as possible, not really sure what will happen after that. (John was collecting black dice at any cost, it goes without saying.)

On the way out the door, Bo gets the panic button, which summons Deputy Jimmie. Spider doesn’t notice because he’s called Heidi Jo to pick up the whole group in her truck. They go to a bank a half-block away, where Bo reveals that his bank balance is $32 – he’s got the money somewhere else, of course. Jimmie gets to the office, realizes Bo is gone, puts two and two together for the first time in his entire life, and gets to the scene. Spider, frustrated about his incomplete revenge on Bo but unarmed, takes the wheel of Heidi Jo’s truck and runs over the wheelchair-bound, colostomy-bagged, broken-fingered, gutshot sheriff, to her horror. Jimmie puts six rounds into the driver’s side door as Spider, Heidi Jo, and the baby speed away.

Spider is hit in the leg, not fatally but painfully, and after a short chase, aided by Heidi Jo distracting Jimmie by flashing him, Spider slams on the brakes so that the deupty’s car violently rear-ends the truck. Mostly unhurt, Heidi Jo drives the still-operable truck to her father’s cabin in the woods. The baby also took at least part of a bullet, but she made it to the hospital just in time (we decided that the fallout would determine her fate). Heidi Jo swears revenge.

In Scene 15, with the cover-up appearing to work and the old sheriff out on permanent disability, Deputy Jimmie is promoted to Sheriff, complete with a raise. He signs a background check form, figuring it will be handled within the Blue Wall. He thinks he’s free, clear, and a winner. Instead, the investigation is done by the FBI. They’ll have some help…

Finally, Spider is spending a little spell in prison after the action is over (we never wound up specifying which particular thing led to this… but seriously, take your pick). He gets a visit from the former sheriff, Bo, who wants to mend things between them before Spider is loose again and hungry for more revenge. He proposes that he will take care of Heidi Jo and her girl (who was, in the end, Jimmie’s, but Spider still sees them as his only chance at a family and a way out), and that they will be even. Spider puts a fist to the glass for a bump, and Bo answers with his twisted claw against the glass.

Aftermath: Spider and Heidi Jo were both white 10 (!). Bo was black 14 (!!!). Jimmie was black 3. Note that this wasn’t for lack of trying – Spider only had two dice, and Heidi Jo was split 2-2. Bo had four black dice, the only “successful” collector in the group. Jimmie had three of each, since he wound up being the focus of the storm.

The baby made a full recovery, and Spider and Heidi Jo left Hillview, LA to move to Texas and start over. They had enough money – Spider had, of course, cheated on paying Bo and Jimmie, plus had other ill-gotten gains from his drug operation – to open the Honest Cajun Ford dealership. Heidi Jo found the gun from Ms Patterson’s house and made sure that it made its way into the hands of the FBI.

Sheriff Bo had cash to burn, a sweet permanent disability deal going, and forgiveness. He’d never walk again, he’d be pooping in a bag for the rest of his life, but he had somehow made it clear of the burning wreckage of his simple plan, alive and doing OK, all things considered. He wouldn’t even face justice, since he had a patsy…

The new Sheriff, Jimmie? Everything seemed great at first. Promotion, raise. Then investigation, disgrace, and finally, as he was being perp-walked, a bullet to put him out of his misery, probably fired by Ms Parkins’ mystery friend. Because he was, ironically, being investigated for the murder of someone he didn’t kill… because of her gun showing up with prints all over it and a note, and because of evidence planted in the locker by the departing Sheriff Bo. Score settling, and also a little mistake, indeed.

“Yoker” because it’s… wait for it… draft poker. Yeah, I know, you see what I did there.

You’ll need 4-7 players and a standard poker deck, probably with the jokers removed (subject to playtesting, see below). Dealer deals seven cards, face down, to each player, and sets aside the rest of the deck face-down; it does not figure into further play of the hand. Each player picks up his hand, selects one card from that hand, and puts it face down in front of himself. He then passes the remaining six cards to his left face-down, taking a hand of six from his right-hand opponent, also face-down. He picks up his new hand, selects one of the six cards in it, puts it face-down in front of him along with the first card he chose, and then passes his hand to the left.

Before players pick up their hands of five cards, there is a round of betting (not for real money, of course) that starts with the dealer, using whatever ante and limit rules make sense to your table. Any player that folds leaves the game until the next hand; they shuffle whatever cards were in their hand, plus any that were in the face-down pile in front of them, back into the deck, without revealing them. Once the betting is resolved, players pick up their hands of five, draft a card into their face-down piles, pass the four remaining cards left face-down, and continue in this way until all cards are drafted. There is a round of betting before drafting the third, sixth, and seventh card; also, a final round of betting occurs after the seventh card is selected. All players still in the game after this last round then reveal their seven face-down cards, and then score the best five-card hand they can make from their seven face-down cards, using the standard poker hand order. The winner takes the pot (tied co-winners splitting it evenly).

Why this may be more fun than other poker games: Both the “public cards” information and the variance are spread out very differently among the players. In Hold ‘Em, everyone knows about the same cards that are in their opponents’ hands; in yoker, each player knows what he passed, can guess which downstream opponents took those cards, and may be able to infer things about his upstream opponents’ hands based on what they’ve passed him. Variance is spread out too, in that I can know that I passed A♠ to my left-hand opponent (probably improving his hand) so I could take the 9♥ that gave me a three-of-a-kind.

Possible changes:

• Some rule about when you can look at your face-down cards is necessary. I’m leaning toward “any time” but maybe the right answer is “only during betting rounds” or maybe even “only at the showdown” to keep the game moving along.
• It’s possible that the game works better if the dealer button gets passed to the right after each round of betting concludes, rather than just between rounds.
• Perhaps there should be more round(s) of betting? Not sure how that would be handled yet without clashing with people’s poker intuitions too much.
• Adding one or both jokers as wild cards might or might not be fun — I am leaning toward “not”.
• The game could be expanded to eight players either by shuffling two decks together (more variance, not recommended) or drafting six cards (not as much scope for skill, æsthetickally displeasing as poker usually has five- or seven-card hands).
• Seating order matters more than usual in other poker games. Maybe there should be a rule for re-seating the players from time to time? Or switching the pass direction?
• For two- or three-player games, replace the drafting mechanism with something like Winston Draft, q.v. I think that having just two players left in the game after the third pick, when two or more have folded out, still leaves enough hidden information to have a fun game, even though those two players are just passing packs back and forth.
• Oh yeah, one other thing that would potentially be awesome: hi-lo hand scoring.

Surely it has happened to you: you’re out somewhere and need a random number, or a whole bunch of them. For me, this mostly happens at restaurants, when I would like to consult an Infallible Oracle as to which of N tasty possibilities is right for me on a given day. But maybe you’re playing Dungeons and Dragons in free-fall (this makes conventional dice less than useful). Perhaps you have found yourself diceless and kidnapped by a capricious yet mathematically sophisticated evil overlord, who will not free you until you have completed a Monte Carlo simulation by hand. I would like to help you, and if you’re that last guy I mentioned, buy you a drink.

Text “rolldice somestuff” to 41411, where somestuff is either a number or a D&D-style specification of how many dice to roll, and how many sides each die has. If you say just one number, you’ll get a reply with a random number between 1 and your number, inclusive, so sending “rolldice 6″ is like rolling a single, ordinary six-sided die; “rolldice 3″ will help you decide among the apple-glazed pork chop, the mahi-mahi on pan-fried noodles, and the five-spice steak. To use a D&D-style dice specification, put a “d” between the number of dice and the number of sides, so you would say “rolldice 3d10″ to get three random numbers between 1 and 10 (”three ten-sided dice”), or “rolldice 3d6″ to roll up your character’s stats old-school in that aforementioned free-fall role-playing scenario.

The way this was done is fairly cool, by the way: I used the free, ad-supported web service TextMarks to handle all the SMS-gateway logic, and then threw together a simple cgi script to handle the dice-rolling logic. Setting aside the time I spent figuring out that my newly-installed FTP client was set up wrong and mangling my script, the whole exercise took less than half an hour, which is nothing short of amazing – TextMarks 41411 is a marvel of simplicity.

What thing is this, pausing before a cyclopean door?

Poor Johansen’s handwriting almost gave out when he wrote of this. Of the six men who never reached the ship, he thinks two perished of pure fright in that accursed instant. The Thing cannot be described – there is no language for such abysms of shrieking and immemorial lunacy, such eldritch contradictions of all matter, force, and cosmic order. A mountain walked or stumbled. God! What wonder that across the earth a great architect went mad, and poor Wilcox raved with fever in that telepathic instant? The Thing of the idols, the green, sticky spawn of the stars, had awaked to claim his own. The stars were right again, and what an age-old cult had failed to do by design, a band of innocent sailors had done by accident. After vigintillions of years great Cthulhu was loose again, and ravening for delight.
- H P Lovecraft, “The Call of Cthulhu

Available now on Etsy, courtesy of our friend Jenn — an awesome knit finger-idol of Cthulhu, sure to provide hours of sanity-ripping fun! Buy it and make regular sacrifices, and you might even be eaten last!

 

You’re going to need bigger boots. Photo credits: scubadive67, anon@wikipedia.

Toothpuddle 2U Creature – Horror (C) 1/1 Whenever Toothpuddle blocks or becomes blocked, return it and all creatures blocking or blocked by it to their owners’ hands at the end of combat. A snap of teeth, and then of æther.

Hobbled Drake 2UU Creature – Drake (C) 3/3 Flying 3 or U: Hobbled Drake loses flying until end of turn. Any player may play this ability.

Endumben 1U Instant (C) Counter target spell. Discard your hand. Magic does not travel in a vacuum.

Tentacle Flailer 1U Creature – Leviathan (C) 3/2 When Tentacle Flailer comes into play, put the cards in your hand on top of your library in any order.

Stegadrake 3U Creature – Drake (C) 1/4 Flying Though a gregarious and gentle frugivore, it hardly invites domestication.

Eddy Denizen 4U Creature – Leviathan (C) 2/2 When Eddy Denizen comes into play, put target creature you control on top of its owner’s library and target creature on top of its owner’s library.

Nevermind U Instant (C) Draw a card. Splice onto Instant — Discard a card. (As you play an Instant spell, you may reveal this card from your hand and pay its splice cost. If you do, add this card’s effects to that spell.)

The Unnamable is basically a huge Xantid Swarm. Timmy and Johnny will love it, because it’s the Giantest Monster with a splashy, build-around-me effect. I made sure to include some skill-testers, like the efficient-looking but actually terrible Tentacle Flailer, as every recent set has; I also put some possible constructed staples at common (Endumben, Nevermind), because I hate drafting sets where I’m going to have to toss all the commons after I’m done. I was careful to spread out costs so Blue drafters won’t get stuck on an awkward curve here as they have in some past sets, like Saviors of Kamigawa. Note that Nevermind is intended to be the simplest card here with Splice, a mechanic more heavily supported with complicated cards at the higher rarities. It may need some balancing for Constructed. The flavor is that, in the presence of the Unnamable and friends, sanity can only be maintained by forgetting.

Photo credit: ancawonka NO SMOKING — Braids hates it

Activate Abilities! 1W Instant (U) When you play Activate Abilities!, untap target creature. Untap target creature. What archer would scorn a second shot before the charge? What healer a second chance to save a wounded hero?

This card does the same thing twice, but sideways. Cool interactions of tap-activated abilities and weird combat tricks lie this way!

Skritano Charger 3R Creature – Human Nomad Barbarian (C) 2/1 Whenever you play an instant or sorcery spell, for each red mana spent on that spell, Skritano Charger gets +1/+0 and haste until end of turn. The magefire in the sky speaks to the fire in his battle-mad heart.

Nifty linear-design feel comes to common. I like that this guy can still be relevant when you topdeck him on turn ten of a draft game. This mechanic screams “build-around.”

Bad Pants W Enchantment – Aura (C) Enchant creature Enchanted creature can’t attack or block, and its activated abilities can’t be played. Whenever a creature comes into play under the control of enchanted creature’s controller, attach Bad Pants to that creature.

I have a standing discussion with my friend John about how little Pacifisms can cost. We must have designed a dozen one-mana ones… but this one is new and has a novel drawback, as suggested by the (slightly incoherent, to be honest) developer comments.

Alurenize 1G Instant (U) While Alurenize is on the stack, creature cards you own have flash and cost up to 1G less to play. “Look out! A bear! And a spider!”

I’ve got two combo-riffic Green submissions, each a nod to a beloved enabler of years past (in this case, Aluren). My card, an uncommon, is nowhere near as powerful, but is bait for budget Johnnies. It could be pretty awesome in Limited, too, being at worst a green Flash. As compensation for using the dreaded word “stack,” I’ve kept it as intuitive and simple as possible.

Eurekisko 1G Sorcery (R) Each player searches his or her library for an artifact, creature, enchantment, or land card and removes it from the game face down. Then reveal all cards removed in this way. Put each card with the lowest casting cost into play and the rest into their owners’ hands.

The second Green combo enabler is my nod to the beloved, yet unplayable, Eureka. Your opponent’s role in this little mini-game is to second-guess you – are you Tinkering, are you Tutoring, or are you just playing a really bad Rampant Growth? The color I’m still a little unsure about, but I’ll take Eureka as my precedent, I guess. As a bonus, this card is unplayable in Vintage, thanks to its color, and so doesn’t accelerate the coming Doom of Too Many Tutors.

Burninate 8R Sorcery (U) Pyre 2 (You may remove 2 cards in your graveyard from the game any number of times. For each time you do, reduce this spell’s cost by up to 1.) Burninate deals X damage to target creature or player, where X is the number of cards in your graveyard.

I know that “tension” is the most over- and misused word in design. I also think that this card actually exhibits it. It also has a bad case of “Build around me!”, as requested – you’ll start taking cards that go to your yard as part of your game plan, hoping to maximize Burninate’s value as a finisher.

Fiendish Stacker 2BB Creature – Minor Horror (R) 1/1 At the beginning of each player’s upkeep, that player sacrifices a creature, land, or artifact. 1B: Fiendish Stacker becomes an enchantment with “Creatures you control are copies of Fiendish Stacker.” (It’s no longer a creature. This effect doesn’t end at end of turn.)

My goal was to use the enchantment side of this to make all of your creatures into some iconic black guy. Spirit of the Night – too hard, not black enough… Avatar of Woe, broken… Braids, just right. This card seems like it would be really hard to play correctly, the kind of challenge Johnny and Spike will love. Note that although you can “ramp down” the sacrifice requirement, it requires mana (which may be in short supply) and then you can’t really do anything with your inert enchantments – not even sac them!

Inspired Armorer 1W 2/2 Creature – Human Soldier (U) Whenever a card leaves a graveyard, put a +1/+1 counter on target creature. Wisps of magic leap to her anvil, where she forges the perfect armor.

No mention of “Auratide” or “enchantment”: check. This might even be printable as a common if there’s a mood for pushing the Auratide mechanic.

They say border color doesn’t matter in Magic, or in the great Northern forests. They lie like dogs.

Coalition Wedding WUBRG Sorcery If you control a white-bordered permanent, a black-bordered permanent, a permanent you don’t own, and a blue permanent, you gain life equal to target opponent’s life total and draw cards equal to the number of cards in that player’s hand. Art direction: The art should show a wedding party, posing for a photo, in tuxes and frilly dresses – the guy from Alpha Stone Rain, nervously watching the sky, a recognizable white female character from the most recent set, a centaur as depicted on Hunted Horror, and Azami, Lady of Scrolls. The happy couple could be Baron Sengir and Shauku.

Border Patrol 1WU 2/2 Creature – Chihuahua Warrior 1W: Target creature gains protection from black-bordered until end of turn. 1U: Target silver-bordered permanent’s border becomes the color of your choice until end of turn. (The border colors are black, white, silver, gold, and pink.) They say border color doesn’t matter in Magic, or in the great Northern forests. They lie like dogs. Art direction: It’s a Mountie… but it’s a chihuahua. Should be easy.

Look! A Monkey! 4GU Sorcery Remove your hand, library, and graveyard from the game. Shuffle another Magic: The Gathering™ deck you own, put it on top of your library, and put a number of cards from the top of your library into your hand equal to the number removed from your hand. Repeat this process for your graveyard. Art direction: Two mages are dueling. One is distracted by a monkey; the other one is pointing at the monkey with one hand and grabbing a spellbook from his bag with the other. A spellbook is lying open, face down, as if it’s been thrown, next to the pointing mage.

Edibility BG Enchantment – Aura Enchant creature you control If enchanted creature would go to a graveyard from play, instead imprint it on Edibility, then attach Edibility to a creature you control. Enchanted creature gets +X/+Y, where X is the total toughness of creatures imprinted on Edibility and Y is the total toughness of creatures inprinted on Edibility. BG: Target creature not enchanted by Edibility that you control gains “Sacrifice creature enchanted by Edibility: Regenerate this creature.” BG, sacrifice enchanted creature: Gain one life for each card imprinted on Edibility. (As implied by the original flavor text for Grey Ogre, of course.) Have you ever noticed how modern templating inflates intuitive card concepts into Russian novel-length text boxes? Art direction: A chihuahua is stalking a marshmallow bunny. But wait! It, in turn, is being stalked by the legendary Duckbunny! WHICH HAS THE SHADOW OF SOMETHING WITH SHARP TEETH FALLING ACROSS IT! This picture will have to be a little smaller than usual, with the bunny hanging down over the type bar and the shadow falling across the card name.

Duckbunny 2RW Legendary Creature – Bird Beast 3/3 Capering — Duckbunny has haste, flying, trample, first strike, vigilance, and protection from silver-bordered. (You may caper or prance whenever the mood takes you.) Art Direction: NOTE: PINK BORDER ON THIS CARD. Duckbunny is a duck bunny. That is, it’s a huge bunnylike duck-thing, made out of marshmallows (you can make one yourself with a supply of bunny and chick Peeps and some sculpting chops). Tiny pink candy bunnies and ducks should caper around it, or prance. It is too majestic to be funny.

It could be the Johnniest sentence in Magic: “You win the game.”

Form of the Conspiracy BBB Enchantment As you play Form of the Conspiracy, choose a creature type. Whenever no creatures of the chosen type are in play, sacrifice Form of the Conspiracy and you lose the game. You can’t lose the game, and your opponents can’t win the game.

Mana Shortening 1U Sorcery Tap all lands.

Palo, Wizard General 4UU Legendary Creature – Wizard Lord 4/4 Wizards you control have flying and “T: You may tap or untap target creature.”

Profligate Waste R Sorcery Squander — As an additional cost to play Profligate Waste, sacrifice any number of lands. For each land sacrificed in this way, add one mana of any color that land could produce to your mana pool

Stompy Dude 3G Creature – Human Warrior 3/2 Trample Stompy Dude gets +1/+1 if you control another Stompy Dude.

Gorgon’s Head B Enchantment – Aura Enchant creature When enchanted creature deals combat damage to a creature, destroy that creature at the end of combat.

Stauncher Defender 3W Creature – Human Warrior 2/* Defender Stauncher Defender’s toughness is equal to the number of creatures your opponents control. Stauncher Defender can block any number of creatures.

Firemaw Dingus-Goblin 3R Creature – Goblin Wizard Mutant 1/2 Whenever a land goes to a graveyard from anywhere, put a +1/+1 counter on Firemaw Dingus-Goblin. Then, it deals damage equal to its power to target creature.

Form of the Child 2WWW Enchantment At the end of your turn, your life total becomes 2. At the beginning of your upkeep, if your life total is 1, you win the game.

Twist 3G Instant Choose one: Destroy target land if R was spent to pay Twist’s mana cost; or destroy target enchantment or artifact if W was spent to pay Twist’s mana cost; or destroy target creature if B was spent to pay Twist’s mana cost; or counter target spell if U was spent to pay Twist’s mana cost.

As an additional cost to break this seal, contravene the Marine Mammal Protection Act.

Seal of Culling (C) 1 Artifact Sacrifice Seal of Culling, sacrifice a creature: Add BBB to your mana pool. Seal of Guidance (C) 1 Artifact Remove Seal of Guidance from the game: Add G to your mana pool. Play this ability only if Seal of Guidance is in your hand. Sacrifice Seal of Guidance: Put a 1/1 green Elf creature token into play. Seal of the Flame Rite (C) 1 Artifact Sacrifice Seal of the Flame Rite: Add R to your mana pool for each card named Seal of the Flame Rite in each graveyard. (Costs are paid before abilities resolve, of course.) Seal of Tides (C) 1 Artifact Sacrifice Seal of Tides: Until end of turn, when you play a mana ability of target land, add U to your mana pool. Seal of Estates (C) 1 Artifact Sacrifice Seal of Estates: Search your library for a Plains card and put it into play. Play this ability only if an opponent controls more lands than you.

Wonder Twin (U) 2B Creature – Minor Spirit 2/2 Other Wonder Twins you control get +2/+1 and have “B: Regenerate target Wonder Twin.” Whenever you control three or more Wonder Twins, sacrifice them. Wonder Twin (U) 2W Creature – Minor Spirit 2/2 Other Wonder Twins you control have +1/+2 and “W: Target Wonder Twin gains Vigilance until end of turn.” Whenever you control three or more Wonder Twins, sacrifice them. Wonder Twin (U) 2R Creature – Minor Spirit 2/2 Other Wonder Twins you control gain Haste and “R: Target Wonder Twin gets +1/+0 until end of turn.” Whenever you control three or more Wonder Twins, sacrifice them. Wonder Twin (U) 2G Creature – Minor Spirit 2/2 Other Wonder Twins you control get +2/+2. Whenever you control three or more Wonder Twins, sacrifice them. Wonder Twin (U) 2U Creature – Minor Spirit 2/2 Other Wonder Twins you control gain +1/+0 and “U: Target Wonder Twin gains flying until end of turn.” Whenever you control three or more Wonder Twins, sacrifice them.

Wonder Twin (U) 3 Artifact Creature – Minor Construct 2/2 Whenever you control three or more Wonder Twins, sacrifice them.

Dismissimo (R) 2UU Instant As an additional cost to play Dismissimo, remove a spell from the stack. (If the spell is a card, remove it from the game.) Draw a card. Rainissimo (R) 2RR Instant As an additional cost to play Rainissimo, an opponent sacrifices a land. Rainissimo deals 2 damage to target creature or player. Shardissimo (R) 4WW Instant As an additional cost to play Shardissimo, remove X attacking creatures from the game. You gain two times X life. Cachissimo (R) 2GG Instant As an additional cost to play Cachissimo, return a land, creature, artifact, or enchantment card from your graveyard to your hand. Target creature gets +3/+3 and Trample until end of turn. Barterissimo (R) 3BB Instant As an additional cost to play Barterissimo, an opponent sacrifices a creature. Each player sacrifices a creature.