entirely safe and fun

As described in comment-#557, an excerpt from the testimony of Inspector Legrasse:

The devotees of the tiny, foul thing gathered in the fane of the QTek 8500. Bluetooth accessories, including adherents of the debased A2DP, found their place with the MicroSD card among the caffeinated beverages and the office supplies. As the fluorescent lights shone eldritchly upon them, they called upon their absent master for its favors.

Suddenly, a hush - the arrival of the priest! It was a black can - not a Negra Modelo, but a truly black can - and it led the trembling half-and-half into the midst of the unclean company. It raised the knife, and a pongoid yawp arose from the throats (can I even call them throats? gorges?) of the congregation.

Unified in abandon and ecstasy, they cried as one: “Ph’ nglui mglw’ nafh 8500 Yoopies’ Shiping-center wgah’ nagl fhtagn.” The knife fell and fell again, the priest transported and possessed by his task, proxy to the One Who Will Ship Real Soon Now. The rite reached its unholy climax as the priest spat into the spilled milk.

The atmosphere was electrified as the milk spread and soaked into the paint of the cube shelf. A voice low beyond hearing spake unto each of the celebrants:

Colin, We are emailing you today to give you an update on your order of the QTEK 8500. We just received word that there has been a last minute delay by QTEK on shipping these devices. Due to this delay we now expect to ship your phone the middle of next week. We are very sorry for this delay and we are doing everything we can to get your order in and shipped out as soon as possible. We will send you an update next week if there are any other delays. Otherwise, you will receive an email with your tracking number as soon as it is shipped to you. Thanks, Shawn